Thursday, January 19, 2017

we are currently in the weirdest winter in like twenty years.

maybe I've never said, but I live in the Pacific Northwest in a little town called Basin City about twenty-ish miles from the Tri-Cities.

we're farm land. dry, desert, & lots of dust.

this winter, we are buried in snow and ice. I never knew what freezing rain was until this winter.. basically it starts to rain little pieces of ice, and then it accumulates until everything is covered in a blanket of solid ice.

I haven't left the house in three days.

three days.

school has been cancelled and i'm afraid we're going to be in school until july.
(this is one of my biggest fears, because I just really am not a fan of school, and I reeeeeeally love summer.)


this morning, school cancelled again, and feeling stuck, I caught myself staring out my bedroom window at the main road.

no cars were driving by like usual.
everything seemed so quiet, and frozen, and I felt stuck.
no routine.
no trips to target.
no more Nutella. (my kids boycott any sandwhich besides Nutella + peanut butter)
no driving with my windows down.
no early morning runs.

and then I just had this need.

I needed to drive on the ice.
just to test it out.
see what it was like to spin my tires.
maybe I could get somewhere. maybe i'll laugh at everyone else stuck in their homes. i'll live a little reckless, and feel some adrenaline rush through my veins. maybe it'll be an adventure.

as I heard my two littlest girls start fighting, probably over the little plastic minie doll again, I snapped back.
i'm not 16.
I don't need to be reckless to feel alive.
to feel free.

I spent the majority of my 16th and 17th year being reckless. spinning my tires. throwing caution to the wind. I don't know what I was looking for, or searching for, or trying to be free from... but I can say now looking back, it was reckless.

as I walked away from the window.... I felt that familiar feeling.
and for a brief minute, it felt like welcoming a friend. a part of me that comes up from time to time. she's reckless. she longs to be on the move. she wants a version of freedom or spontaneity. she wants more and more. she wants to swallow up the world and spin her tires on the ice. with no plan. no thought out end goal. with caution left floating behind her.

there have been times when I hated her.
Ive tried to bury her, or demand her to leave me alone. sometimes I let her take over and walk me down roads I never imagined I would go. She is just a part of me, and I don't know why. I don't understand her all of the time, but I cant deny that she's there.

fatal flaw.
she has been my fatal flaw before. I have let her walk me close to the edge of a cliff, daring me to jump. she makes my heart pump and feel invincible.

but I think that maybe our fatal flaws can actually be the thing to create magic in us.
she dares me to dream big.
she pushes me to accomplish the impossible.
she calls me to chase adventure grabbing my husbands hand and bringing him with me.
she is why I love art.
road trips.
and last minute fun or trips or sparkling cider at midnight.
she makes me brave enough to give a hand written card to a stranger in the Wendy's drivethrough.
she breaks down walls so i'm able to have heartfelt, raw conversations.
she tells me it's okay to cry, and to be vulnerable.

yes. at times she has felt scary. and tempting. and I have given her permission to make things messy and unnecessarily hard.
but.. even then.
I am who I am because of those messy hard moments.
I learned, and grew.
I love harder and forgive more freely.

a wise man said in a sunday meeting recently that we don't need to change who we are.
I know his words didn't just touch my heart, but probably every person sitting in that room. we aren't told that often.

what a powerful invitation-
accept yourself.
love yourself.
you were perfectly created, by God, who loves you perfectly.

he then said, that yes, there are times when we may need to change what we are doing, or not doing. but we don't need to change who we are.

what does that mean to you?

to me it means that I can keep little miss reckless and fun and free, around. I don't have to have shame when she decides to come over. or tame her. or erase her. I don't have to ignore her, or force myself in the opposite direction of her.
I can accept her.

and still not drive on solid ice.

ground breaking, I know.

i am learning to "love the skies I'm under"...
without hiding the parts of me that long to seek new skies.

and i'm finding, the more i love all the parts of myself that are, even if i don't know why they are, and looking at them as a gift from a loving Father who created me...
i am not walking towards cliffs anymore.
i'm not driving on ice.

i am being...


who i was created to be. i'm doing what God wants. i'm hearing His voice. i'm seeing how to use those "fatal flaws" to be and do what He designed me to do and be.
to give to others.
to write.
to teach my kids about windows down and road trips.
to dream.
and love.

look, we may have been created perfectly, but we're not perfect.

but i'm starting to believe and see the beauty in our imperfections.
how the messy and hard and scary connect us, and create art in us.

so. from me to you.

you don't need to change who you are.
you are art.

your "flaws" are the messy beautiful color that can glorify God.
if you let them.

Post a Comment

Latest Instagrams

© Courtney Casper Letters. Design by Fearne.